Autistic husband gaslighting Joely shares: ‘They tell you your flashbacks aren’t real and they devalue your lived experience by telling you are wrong for experiencing life the way you do – that it’s not possible. ” You felt like your partner was sabotaging and gaslighting you My mom’s husband has undiagnosed autism- it’s part of the reason we get on so well. It's common amongst autistic people but we're not all like that. A long-term relationship with an adult, who has Asperger’s Syndrome or high functioning autism, can be extremely stressful for the neurologically normal (neurotypical, NT) partner. Oct 16, 2023 · Beyond the ways in which being autistic could be used to identify someone as a target for abuse ( ‘I think I appeal to that kind of person, because I’ve always been a bit of a loner, not had someone to talk to, to tell’ Participant 29, autistic woman), participants specifically talked about their abusers deliberately triggering meltdowns May 14, 2024 · Abuse is abuse, I am autistic, and in 27 years of marriage have never even raised my voice to my wife, we never have arguments at all. Neurotypicals’ lack of understanding can cause them to doubt the Feb 18, 2025 · What is Gaslighting? The term gaslighting originates from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband manipulates his wife into believing she’s losing her sanity by subtly altering her environment—such as dimming the gas lights—and then denying any change when she questions it. A. In the past, I have often felt lonely in my marriage, but on reflection that is in part to do with my expectations as to what marriage would be like and of the story I told myself when our time together didn’t live up to my expectations. Perhaps the issue isn’t the autism or the asperger’s, but simply being an a*sehole. They tell blatant lies. the autistic person also buys kids gifts “because they want them” I have looked into autism and they can appear self centred, have rage outbursts Jan 10, 2024 · According to neurodiversitymatters. As far as gaslighting and autism, that's always been a problem. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity Jan 31, 2022 · Autistic people are more susceptible to abusive romantic relationships and may be forced by their circumstances to remain in them. Sarah Swenson is a coach and therapist for couples in which one partner is autistic. Knowing these warning signs can help you protect yourself and your relationship from further damage. This problem will not be solved with hotlines and shelters alone. Her work is to translate the experiences of Here I will discuss 10 signs of gaslighting so that you can determine whether or not your husband is engaging in this type of behavior. Someone may also have a husband who lives outside their home – for example, someone who is serving in the military or has an overseas job and yet not abandon his family. And I will continue to fight for answers. comSchedule a private Zoom meeting. Educate yourself and take back control of your narrative. In the story, a husband manipulates his wife into doubting her reality by dimming the gas lights in their home and then denying that the lights changed. Feb 9, 2021 · Yes, this was me ! Used a pseudonym to avoid this being linked back to me but I had this from both my parents- “your brain is wired differently, you get things wrong, you don’t understand the way things are and your view of the world is skewed” when I attempted to stand up for myself against the body shaming, slut shaming, coercive control and other emotional abuse they dished out. Autistic people can indeed have issues understanding questions if they are nuanced. A person gaslights to obtain power and control, which are classic elements of abuse. But gradually, constant criticism of my appearance, dismissal of my feelings, and his u Nov 10, 2023 · Gaslighting is when someone makes someone else doubt their own experiences. Gaslighting often occurs in an intimate partner Feb 18, 2025 · What is Gaslighting? The term gaslighting originates from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband manipulates his wife into believing she’s losing her sanity by subtly altering her environment—such as dimming the gas lights—and then denying any change when she questions it. We both have high functioning autism- the difference is I’m forever self conscious of my behaviour, he isn’t. A reference is also autism-help. She was herself diagnosed with ASD Aug 21, 2014 · My husband didn’t get diagnosed until he was 38 years old after “slipping through the cracks” his whole life, being functional enough to seem “normal”, but having some psychological Jun 7, 2016 · Dr. To ask a question or schedule an appointment, please call 415-922-1122. Oct 3, 2016 · Sounds like such a great movement. Kid lost balance and clocked his head on the plastic playpen fence. Welcome to the 1st episode in the 'Dating A Neurotypical' series - built for Autistic adults from an Autistic adult. It truly breaks my heart. However, when the Aspie chooses to shut down, cut off, shun and even get passive aggressive, this has the result of making us feel abused, oppressed, and worthless. Gaslighting usually has specific intent, though, and context makes a big difference. Being autistic, if your wife is autistic, is no excuse for abusive behaviour. Feb 22, 2025 · An autistic husband who announces that a blueberry pie brought over by a neighbor is the best he’s ever tasted not realizing that his wife who also makes blueberry pies may feel minimized and hurt. Don't let emotional abuse dim your spirit! | Emotional Wellbeing | Emotional Health | Dysfunctional Relationships | Emotional Awareness |Mental Health Awareness | Good Mental Health | Toxic Personalities My autistic husband was rather manipulative and emotionally abusive. Unintentional gaslighting is possible when it comes to the significant communication differences between neurotypical (non-autistic) people and neurodivergent (autistic) people because we speak two different social and neurological languages! Jan 11, 2024 · Gaslighting is manipulative emotional and psychological abuse that causes a person to question their reality, memories, instincts, and, ultimately, their sanity. It is a form of abuse in which the person is left questioning their own reality and memories. I saw it happen. " Then told me he just lost balance like it was out of the Got questions? Feel free to email Mark Hutten, M. The speaker may try to make the listener question their memory, how they perceive things, or their mental stability. Narcissistic personality disorder and the autism spectrum are two separate things that can occur in the same individual. Mar 9, 2022 · Certainly you will agree that this woman’s husband has abandoned her, even if he is still living in their home. How autism may lend itself to the artistic side, but the promotional side is a nightmare (as it is in writing too). This is not to say that ANY diagnosis excuses or inherently results in abusive behavior. Gaslighting can be used in a manipulative way to to keep drawing you into the family fold—no matter how unpleasant an experience that is for you. The Impact of Positive Parenting; Autistic Toddlers. In many cases Do you feel like you're being #gaslighted (is your reality being denied)? Is this because your partner is #autistic or is your partner intentionally #decei Oct 26, 2020 · 4. I want to just say, Kyler is the first case of high support needs autism or profound autism, in both my family and my husband’s side of the family, that we know of. Yeh nope, not autism. Memory Mismatch: Navigating Cognitive Dissonance in Autistic-Non-Autistic Dialogues “ It’s important for non-autistic individuals to acknowledge the strong memory retention in autistic people and consider it in their interactions, while autistic individuals might benefit from understanding that non-autistic people’s memories can change over time due to their psychological mechanisms. He’s a lot older but my mom is forever telling him he’s being offensive and yet he struggles to change his behaviour. " Jan 12, 2020 · Shame in “Aspie” /NT relationships is a sign of codependency where you mistakenly take on responsibility for your “Aspie’s” misconduct. What is a trend is using the term "gaslighting" to refer to things that aren't actually gaslighting. As for me, I will continue to honor my gut instinct, it has never let me down. I know of a few British artists fighting for that inclusivity in the arts world. Mar 1, 2025 · The term “gaslighting” comes from a 1938 play called Gas Light, which was later adapted into films. Someone attempting to gaslight me might say "it's not that bad, stop overreacting" because they want me to feel like my own emotions aren't real and that I'm just "crazy", which is gaslighting. com Mar 11, 2019 · It’s the allistic wife who gaslights the autistic husband by insisting that he is behaving in odd or unacceptable ways or that his communication style is the problem. But this isn’t what your husband is doing here. Among other things, he adjusts the gas For all I know, you are some narcissist that has latched on to an Autistic woman for an easy target and you are gaslighting her by posting about her behavior on an Autism reddit board and then showing her how everyone agrees with you that her behavior isn't justified (despite, again, not giving any context). He thinks everything is important, and a symptom of autism is not being able to discern what is important and what is not, and autistic people tend to think that everything is of roughly equal importance even though it's not - importance is a spectrum, some things are very important, some things are very unimportant, and other things are Aug 23, 2024 · While gaslighting can happen in any relationship, its impact can be particularly profound within the context of autism spectrum disorder (ASD). I'm autistic and I sometimes freak out about things - and sometimes I know this impacts on my husband. May 10, 2020 · ABA trauma are autistic people lazy are autistic people manipulative are autistic people selfish autism parent autistic and neurotypical relationships autistic bodily needs autistic child angry autistic child screaming autistic dating autistic employee autistic facial expressions autistic intentions autistic masking autistic misunderstandings For seven years, I loved and tried to understand my autistic husband. It looks like he is hiding things from you and gaslighting you. When I looked at it closely and from every angle ;) it seems like this is the pattern: -He tells me something about himself, "I've always been this way, it's who I am. Gaslighting can often be identified by the language and phrases that the perpetrator uses. 1. This episode, we are addressing a common Jan 20, 2024 · If the gaslighting continues or escalates despite your efforts, you may need to reassess the situation and consider taking further steps to protect yourself. What are the "top 5" things that I, as an autistic woman, want my neurotypical partner to know, and/or do, specifically when it relates to my autism/quirks/traits Feb 18, 2025 · What is Gaslighting? The term gaslighting originates from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband manipulates his wife into believing she’s losing her sanity by subtly altering her environment—such as dimming the gas lights—and then denying any change when she questions it. Autistic Toddlers and Sytemizing; Name Recognition in Autistic Toddlers; OverStimulation: Less is More; Social Skills and Autistic Toddlers; Autism In Utero; Infant to Toddler; Late diagnosis ASD Mind Buffering; Masking in Autism & ADHD. I’ve written before about “The Shame of Being Married to Someone with “Asperger”, where I’ve talked about the stigma of being labelled “Asperger” or “Autistic”, that “Aspies” may fear losing their standing in the community or . [1] The word comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a secretly abusive husband manipulates his wife so she thinks she is losing her mind. We've just become a bit more aware of it, and better able to recognize when it's happening. The fact is, autistic people need to be understood, supported, accommodated, and listened to; the sooner in life, the better. Jun 12, 2020 · Claire Jack, Ph. Apr 23, 2019 · The reason for this word choice is that most searches about adult autism use the words “Asperger’s” or “aspie. ” Here’s an example: “It would be one thing if we just fought like other couples who eventually make up. Phrases That A Gaslighting Spouse Uses. My husband (NT, N47) of 20 years and I (ND, F44) are going through a difficult time and I have noticed that so much of our tough conversations feel like gaslighting. May 24, 2021 · Try spending a moment focusing on the two words, “solitude” and “loneliness,” and see how each of them resonates with you. Pick your preferred date/time here: https://calend Jul 16, 2019 · RELATED: Am I Autistic? 17 Signs You May Be On The Autism Spectrum. Empathy (Cognitive, Emotional, and Compassionate) Covert Narcissist Examples: Understanding Autism. Jan 19, 2021 · In my work with neurodiverse couples in which one partner has autism or Asperger’s, one of the words I hear most often is “gaslighting. In this blog, we'll explore how gaslighting manifests in relationships involving individuals with autism, its effects, and strategies for recognising and addressing it. Jan 22, 2017 · In my book Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People — and Break Free I detail how gaslighters typically use the following techniques: . I think the key here is communication, and working out ways to deal with these problems when they arise. Label anything that brings autistic people enjoyment as a negative that needs to be stopped, eg. Apr 10, 2022 · Unintentional gaslighting is most common in Autistic partners and loved ones, as the daily struggles with social cues affect everyday life. And it just makes you think… Mar 1, 2024 · Neurodivergent people, particularly autistic and ADHDers may be at greater risk of being victims of gaslighting because of our communication differences, styles, and preferences (Douglas and Jan 3, 2025 · However, your husband has what's called alexithymia and that's why he can't feel emotions. Apr 7, 2021 · As a late-diagnosed autistic woman who has been on this planet for 41 years, I say — yes. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation used to make someone question their perception of reality. Claim autistic people don't understand boundaries, but yet autistic peoples boundaries are shat all over constantly, accomodations denied and are pressured and forced into things we don't want to do for the sake of their arbitrary social norms. He’s abandoned his promise to love, cherish and protect. org. They were playing around and my husband was tickling him and bouncing a balloon off his head. Jul 14, 2022 · Gaslighting frequently happens to autistic people because their internal experience and reality are different from neurotypicals. Instead, we argue about something, and he tells me I’m being irrational. Kenneth Roberson is an Autism Spectrum Disorder psychologist in San Francisco with over 30 years of experience. A month ago just about my husband gaslit our baby. Sep 26, 2016 · Many couples have learned how to cope with these situations by creating their own personal rules for engagement. See full list on nationalautismacademy. Apr 12, 2023 · Both of your needs in the relationship are equally important - his don’t take precedence because he is autistic. I'm autistic and I would say that my personality is more like yours than hisvery emotional and sensitive and always feeling guilty if I feel that I've not been the perfect mother. A BABY. D. Feb 5, 2024 · Discover the 10 red flags that may signal a gaslighting husband and 13 empowering ways to respond. . May 24, 2019 · Autistic people, adults and children, are infantilized, gaslighted, and manipulated regularly by society– individuals and institutions. You don’t even know if he is actually autistic in the first place as he hasn’t been diagnosed by a doctor. Jul 4, 2024 · Theme 5: Re-embodying activities. com, “unintentional gaslighting is most common in Autistic people, as the daily struggles with social cues and normalities affect everyday life. But that’s not how it is with us. Just that impulsive people with emotional instability do impulsive unstable things. Jan 20, 2021 · The Autistic Partner. I am also autistic and attribute his behavior more to comorbitites such as BD and unresolved trauma. Gaslighting is not a trend, it's being done about the same as it always has been. Sonia Boué wrote a great blog post about the difficulties in networking and seeking funding when you’re autistic. -- mbhutten@gmail. Autism’s Past and Present; High This isn't exactly autism specific, but I'm posting it here because this is such a thoughtful and insightful community, and because we've probably been on the receiving end of gaslighting more than average, and because of our unique perspective as students of human behavior Nov 5, 2013 · This article is based on reported firsthand experiences from thousands of neurotypical spouses in Europe, North America, Australia. The majority of participants who recovered from their gaslighting relationships reported engaging in hobbies that helped to “clarify” their sense of self. Keep reading to learn more about unconscious gaslighting. Aug 11, 2024 · Addressing gaslighting in relationships where one or both partners are autistic requires a multifaceted approach that focuses on improving communication, seeking professional help, developing mutual understanding, and establishing clear boundaries. Oct 15, 2021 · Autistic people living in a neurotypical world experience unintentional gaslighting simply by being autistic people in a neurotypical a husband tells his wife that he’s going to paint the Apr 14, 2020 · In my work with hundreds of neurodiverse couples (where one or both partners are Asperger's/autistic), and have found that those who really apply themselves daily to working on the above behaviors Feb 6, 2021 · The gaslighting behaviour is lying, or talking without context, mirroring, saying I am manipulating the kids, never taking on board that others have their own emotions, and has rage outbursts. He said, "oh buddy watch out you hit your head. Aug 23, 2019 · Joely spoke to me about autism and unintentional gaslighting – a topic that appears to be circulating in the media at present. Oct 10, 2019 · Interestingly I, an autistic person, have had the same experience of gaslighting from a neurotypical person. , is a hypnotherapist, life coach, researcher, and training provider who specialises in working with women with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Maintaining the ties. The examples I included aren't always gaslighting, but they can be. You Aug 25, 2023 · Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where false information is presented to the victim by a spouse or another primary attachment figure, causing the victim to doubt his or her perceptions Feb 18, 2025 · What is Gaslighting? The term gaslighting originates from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband manipulates his wife into believing she’s losing her sanity by subtly altering her environment—such as dimming the gas lights—and then denying any change when she questions it. I think that your wife could benefit from therapy of some kind, perhaps a talking therapy. mmqjk hnz pjcra tqcf bhnramh aaidji ohw dbx gxuyh zzfdvsq